Tag Archives: risk

Do I tell? What to do with sensitive information about your child’s friend

Should I tell?

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Among the trickier situations you may come across are those that involve your friends’ kids. You come across your friend’s 12-year-old son smoking cigarettes in a neighbourhood park. Or perhaps you stumble across a compromising picture of another’s daughter online. Maybe you hear about disturbing bullying behaviour going on at school. Or, most complicated of all, your own child comes to you concerned about a friend engaging in high-risk activities, from drinking or illegal drug use to cutting.

What do you do? Reporting on what you’ve heard or seen can feel awkward at best, potentially risky at worst. We all like to think we’d want to know if our kids were doing something illegal or dangerous, but the truth can be way more complicated. Some parents can get very defensive. They may be embarrassed or aggressive. It’s quite common for parents to deny that their baby would ever do something like that, because the implication is that they have somehow failed in their parenting role.

In the very worst cases, calling up another child’s parent to report on what you’ve heard or seen can turn friends/acquaintances into enemies. A highly defensive parent may accuse you or your child of having a hidden agenda, accusing you of being self-righteous, never having liked their child,  or starting untrue rumours for social gain. And if your child came to you with disturbing news in confidence, you risk alienating your own kid and causing social issues for them, in an effort to help a child at risk.

There’s no easy answer in this kind of scenario, but the following guidelines can help you make sense of a difficult situation and determine the best thing to do.

Understand the difference between meddling and worthwhile intervention. This is similar to the distinction we give kids between tattling and telling when they have witnessed bullying going on. Tattling behaviour (or meddling) is all about getting someone into trouble (“She puts on lipstick as soon as her parents aren’t around”); telling (or worthwhile intervention) is about getting someone out of trouble (She’s cutting her arms with a razor blade”). Only those indiscretions which truly involve potential danger need be reported. (Click to tweet this.)

Question your own motivation for getting involved. Is there some element of competition? Some unresolved issue between you and the child’s parents, or between your kids? If you truly feel this child is at risk because of what you know, then you are on more solid ground. Assure the child’s parents that you have no intention of gossiping or judging them, and that in a similar situation you would want someone to tell you your child was in trouble.

Consider how close you are with the child’s parents. There are some smaller indiscretions you may choose to tell a very close friend, because you know their values, worries and concerns for their kids, but which would be inappropriate to tell an acquaintance or a parent you’ve never met.

Never promise your child complete confidence when someone can potentially be hurt.  It’s tempting to tell our children that we will always keep their secrets, but this is dangerous ground. If you believe they know of a potentially dangerous situation (for themselves or others), you and they have a moral obligation to do something about it. They need to know this from the beginning, even if it means they may occasionally be more reluctant to speak to you. The critical factor is how you react: Don’t go behind their backs. Involve them in problem-solving. Determine the most effective and respectful form of intervention. Try and explain the long-term consequences of helping their friend.

Consider whether this issue places an undue burden of responsibility on your own child. A friend who confides to your child about such problems as depression, drug use, or thoughts of suicide is inadvertently overwhelming them with responsibility. These serious problems are too much for a teenager to deal with alone, and if something really terrible happens as a result, they will feel accountable. Kids don’t have the experience, judgement and knowledge to help out someone in real trouble, so know when to go to an adult for help is really important. If your child has come to you with this, it’s likely because they are feeling overwhelmed. They need your help to figure this out. Note that it’s always worth gently questioning your child about their own involvement, since it’s not uncommon to bring forward a problem to test your reaction by saying it’s “for a friend.”

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Start your school year off on the right foot – Parenting workshops on cyberbullying, digital responsibility and risk prevention

1st day of schoolWe sent our baby off to her first day of fifth grade yesterday. Never mind that our baby is over five feet tall, brimming with that distinctive tween mix of confidence and curiosity. She hasn’t let me walk her into class since she started pre-kindergarten at four years old, but she always makes an exception on the first day.

I love that half-hearted squeeze of my hand when she sees her friends, taking off and leaving my holding the bag of carefully labelled school supplies. “Bye Mom!”

She never looks back; I don’t turn around until she’s out of sight. That’s what parenting is all about.

The bittersweet mixture of pride, sadness, relief that accompanies the start of a new school year is tempered for many parents by a concern about new issues, such as Internet safety and responsibility, and old issues with a new twist, such as cyberbullying. These are subjects that come up again and again in the hallways, carpool lines and anywhere that parents gather. Many feel unsure of themselves, as if the rules have changed. They see new pitfalls and dangers that didn’t seem to be there when we were kids.

They are both right and wrong. Digital technologies place new, powerful devices in our kids’ hands that can get them — and others — into more trouble than most of us ever knew at their ages. But the parenting techniques that we can use to keep them safe aren’t vastly different: education, moderation, guidance, supervision, encouragement.

Over the past few years, I’ve given many, many workshops on bullying, cyberbullying and Internet safety and responsibility to groups of parents at schools, community organizations, libraries, churches and synagogues. I work hard to empower parents with practical tips they can use to keep their kids safe and teach them responsibility, but I also make sure to reassure them that they are probably already doing most things right. Parenting is still parenting, and you need to trust your good instincts when you make decisions for your children. Complement that with some specific education and resources for keeping up to date, and you are doing just fine.

Want to know more about my workshops for parents, communities, teachers and school staff? Email me at alissa@risk-within-reason.com and I’ll be happy to outline the different workshops on bullying prevention, digital responsibility and risk prevention.

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Guest Post: Breathalyzer tests used for teens in an effort to curb drunk driving

Risk Within Reason is pleased to feature this guest post by attorney and journalist Pari Chang.

Did you know that underage drinkers are responsible for between 10% and 20% of all alcohol consumed during the Christmas and New Year holiday period? Also, 21- to 24-year-olds repeatedly make up the highest percentage of impaired drivers.

Statistics like these have prompted initiatives by parents and school officials to administer Breathalyzer tests to young people. “Remember the debate over whether school nurses should distribute condoms? Now it’s: We know they drink, but what message does it send if schools give Breathalyzer tests?” says Mark Defino, a parent in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. School officials there have been testing kids for alcohol before school dances and proms since 2007.

Attorney Daniel R. Rosen, whose firm handles auto accident cases, adds, “Besides the moral implications, it’s a matter of balancing the privacy rights of students against controlling drinking and driving.”

The debate over Breathalyzer-testing our youth rages across the country. In the Pequannock school district in New Jersey, it began in 2006 and hasn’t stopped. That year, at a Pequannock school dance, 40% to 50% of the kids arrived under the influence of alcohol. A survey of 400 juniors and seniors taken during that school year revealed that 219 students had used alcohol in the previous 30 days.

Pequannock school officials decided to rely on Breathalyzers to keep the students honest. The district implemented a program that warned students; they could be tested for alcohol up to 80 
hours after they have consumed it. If a student had a drink on Friday, it would be evident on a test on Monday. Since that program began, the number of juniors and seniors consuming alcohol has decreased by 37%.

I commend the district for having the courage to take action instead of waiting for a tragedy,” says Lacy Link, an educator in Northern New Jersey whose district is considering a similar program. She notes that many parents support the program. “Some have purchased breath alcohol ignition interlock devices of their own,” she says. Breath alcohol ignition interlock devices (BAIID) are designed to prevent an individual from operating a motor vehicle while under the influence of alcohol. The result is peace of mind for parents by reducing the likelihood that their teenagers will be arrested for drunk driving or be involved in a near-fatal or fatal drunk-driving accident.

But Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) presses a less controversial approach.  MADD advocates teaching kids to say no when peers urge them to engage in underage drinking. They encourage parents to inform their teenagers, and the statistics support their approach: Teen alcohol use kills about 6,000 people each year, more than all illegal drugs combined.

One in three eighth-grade students has tried alcohol. One in five teens binge drinks, but only one in 100 parents believes their child binge drinks. Seventy-four percent of kids (ages 8-17) said their parents are the leading influence on their decisions about drinking.  Having regular family conversations about alcohol can reduce underage drinking and drunkenness by 30-60%. When parents and kids are better connected, kids are less likely to drink or use other drugs.

To help parents tackle this tough issue, MADD provides a parent handbook on its website and arranges community workshops. Around the holidays, it’s particularly difficult to curb teen drinking and driving, not only because kids let loose after exams, but because of capitalism, straight up.

Barron H. Lerner, M.D., Professor of Medicine and Public Health at Columbia University Medical Center and author of the book One for the Road: Drunk Driving Since 1900, notes that the alcohol industry has opposed many anti-drunk driving measures by enthusiastically promoting the phrase “responsible drinking” in public campaigns while opposing legislation aimed at deterring drinking and driving. Plus, beer companies, in particular, continue to advertise heavily and promote events on college campuses.

Teenage drinking and driving statistics are alarming, but parents are not without resources. The best resource is sharing yourself, and speaking from the heart, without judgment. No Breathalyzer test is a substitute for an open and honest conversation with a young person about taking responsibility for their actions. When young people feel they are heard and affirmed, constructive change can happen.

Pari Chang is an attorney and professional journalist with writing credits that include The New York Times, SELF, and Glamour.

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