Monthly Archives: August 2011

One of the hardest parts of parenting is the gradual allocation of freedoms to our children. Whether we are sending them off to the playground on their own for the first time or watching them climb on a city bus or subway, we swallow our fears and concerns and allow them to begin the critical process of fending for themselves. It’s so important they begin to do this in age-appropriate ways, so they can learn to advocate for themselves, problem-solve, develop self-esteem.

Each time they prove themselves competent and responsible, we can consider allocating additional freedoms. My mantra has always been that privacy and freedom are privileges that must be earned through consistent responsible behaviour.

As a parent, this means repressing the memory of every frightening television show, movie and news report we’ve ever seen about how these things can go wrong. It means actively not thinking about the child who went to the corner store , made their way to camp or walked her dog and never came home again. Because as horrible and terrifying and tragic as these incidents are, they are so statistically unlikely that they can not — and should not — frame most of our day-to-day parenting.

Sure, we should teach our kids about stranger danger and what to do if someone makes them feel uncomfortable, but the vast majority of child abductions and abuse come from people they know. Family members and friends. And 99% of missing children are found within hours or days, according to this article in Pediatrics. That article, an American Academy of Pediatrics publication entitled “The Pediatrician’s Role in the Prevention of Missing Children” also contains a lot of practical information about what we can tell our children to protect them, without unnecessarily terrifying them.

Earlier this week, our Montreal Families editorial office received a press release about a new app for mobile phones (called Nearparent), in which a GPS-enabled network of trusted adult helpers is set up by the parent for their child to access on their smartphones. My initial reaction was revulsion — I couldn’t imagine a worse example of paranoia then tracking your child’s every move. When I read more closely, however, I realized that they do protect the child’s privacy by allowing them to control when they check in somewhere or activate the help feature, which alerts nearby trusted adults that have been added to their personal network of helpers.

So (in this particular app at least), your kid isn’t transformed into a bleeping red dot on a screen, moving from school to playground to corner store and home, supervised by the parent using a smartphone at work or stuck in traffic. Thank goodness. Many clever parents have figured out how to track their kids using the Mobile Me app on their kids’ iPods, iPads and iPhone (and almost as many kids have likely figured out how to circumvent their parents’ spying.) Because unless your child is a recovering heroin addict, I can’t imagine how that could help them. And even then, I’m sure there are more effective ideas for keeping them safe.

OK, so maybe this particular app is not that bad, but it’s still part of a larger media-fuelled panic, in which the world is seen as a desperately dangerous place (see this piece on Cultivation Analysis, in which heavy viewers of television consistently see the world as scarier and more violent than non-viewers or light viewers). Apps like this reinforce the idea that the world is really scary, that most strangers are dangerous.

While parents might enjoy the peace of mind this app promises (not sure how practical it is in actually delivering any additional safety), they are giving their kids the message that venturing beyond the front lawn without mom or dad in unsafe. That we can’t quite trust them to be OK out there without us. How could this not undermine their self confidence and self esteem?

The truth is that if your child is taking the bus to school or walking home from a friend’s house, you have already determined that they are old enough and mature enough to do so. If they suddenly need help from an adult, are they not better seeking it from a friendly person on the street rather than whipping out their smartphone? Are not the vast majority of people on the street friendly to a child or teen in need? Is creating this kind of GPS-enabled network not feeding into a CSI/Law and Order/Unsolved Mysteries view of the world, in which we need law enforcement to pinpoint our kid’s location at any given moment? Why not just implant microchips behind their ears like we do with our dogs?

I’d like to think that if my kids, my friends’ kids and your kids find themselves suddenly needing immediate help, they are mature and level-headed enough to find some way to get it quickly. If they are not, then it is our duty to explain this to them in a firm but encouraging way before they head out our front doors.

Because I would much rather they see the world as a place of opportunity and discovery and not one where danger lurks in a trench coat or hoodie in every dark shadow.

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If you have preteen or teenaged girls, you should know about websites (and Facebook apps) like Honesty Box or Fourspring.me and the potential pitfalls and risks they pose.

What are they all about? These sites are the web 2.0 equivalent of writing on the bathroom wall. They invite users to post mostly anonymous, public “constructive” criticism about each other. Honesty Box promises anonymity to users until they accumulate enough HB points to see what others have been saying about them. So users can tell each other what they really think about whether they look hot, if their boyfriend is cheating on them or if those new jeans make them look fat. Helpful stuff.

Fourspring.me invites users to post questions about anything and invite responses from other users. While some may use the site to get homework queries solves or address philosophical issues (“What came first: the chicken or the egg?”), most of the teen users take advantage of the site’s potential for stirring up muck and spreading rumours. It’s a dangerous recipe for hurt, paranoia and damaged self-esteem.

Honesty Box has provoked a lot of controversy as a consequence of the cyberbullying it enables. Users may find themselves targeted in malicious and extremely hurtful ways. An unsuccessful campaign was launched on ReallyWorried.com to get Facebook to remove the app. On the Internet, free speech generally prevails unless the PR tide turns ugly or money can no longer be made.

Producer Lynn Glazier did a fabulous three-part audio documentary on teens and the Internet for CBC Radio this past winter (It’s A Teen’s World: Wired for Sex, Lies and Power Trips, Part 1-3), in which she asks a group of teen girls why anyone in their right mind would want to open themselves to potentially hurtful comments online. While many of them acknowledged that upsetting things had been written about them online, they persisted using the sites because the occasional unsolicited positive comment (“You have really nice hair”) made them feel so good.

As a parent, there are several things you can do about sites like these. One is to bring them up in discussion (which is not at all the same thing as a lecture), and ask them if they have heard about these sites and what they think of them.

The second is to show them some of the excellent and highly watchable stuff produced about them (such as the CBC piece mentioned above, or this excellent video on Kelsie’s Teen Talk). Bear in mind that you shouldn’t be forcing them to watch it, but rather opening up a dialogue. Watch it with them, if they are OK with that.

The third thing you should do is show them how to opt out of the Honesty Box app on their Facebook account (even if they already are subscribers, they can unsubscribe).

The Internet is full of both opportunities and challenges for kids and teens, but it’s hard to see how sites and apps like these can be said to offer anything positive at all.

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