Author Archives: Alissa Sklar

Sticks & Stones: Practical Strategies for Communicating with Parents About Bullying Issues

Posted on September 5, 2012 | Comments Off on Sticks & Stones: Practical Strategies for Communicating with Parents About Bullying Issues

Workshop posterTeachers and school administrators consistently tell me that one of the most challenging aspects of dealing with bullying issues is communicating with parents. Parents of the bullies, for sure, but also parents of the kids who are targeted, and the kids who witness bullying events in the schoolyard, the playground or online.

Parents want what’s best for their children, of course. But sometimes this concern — and the emotions bound up with it — can interfere with proactive attempts to educate students about bullying, to give them the tools to protect themselves and stand up for others, and stop doing or saying things that are upsetting or harmful to others. Parents of kids who are aggressive to others are sometimes unable to admit to themselves that their child is being hurtful, and they tend to be very defensive and resistant when principals or teachers call them in to discuss this.

Students quickly pick up on the tension between their parents and the school, and this tends to muddy or render ineffective any anti-bullying messages that might otherwise sensitize kids to this important issue.

This one-day workshop is oriented towards developing practical strategies for school personnel involved in this kind of communication with parents. We will look at proactive, preventative communication (before anything occurs, to establish school policies and protocols, and to involve them as stakeholders), at developing sample scripts for phone calls and written communication, at negotiation strategies to get past defensiveness, anger and confusion and move everyone to consensus or acceptance. Clearly defined policies can go a long way to lessening stress and aggravation for all concerned.

Email donna.wilkinson@mcgill.ca or call her at 514-398-6961 for more information and registration forms.

 

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Advice from a 13-year-old on helping kids transition to high school

Posted on August 23, 2012 | 1 comment

Montreal Families MagazineIn her first professionally published piece, my 13-year-old daughter offers parents advice on how to make their kids’ transition to high school a little easier:

This time last year, I was heading off to a big, new place: high school. I knew then that it was going to be a challenge for me and my parents. So many things would be different, from teachers, classes and friends to my responsibilities and my parents’ expectations. Now, with a full year of high school behind me, I would like to give my perspective on what parents can do to help their kids with this transition. (Read more)

Aside from my obvious pride in her efforts to get her writing published, I also realize that her words offer her dad and I some insight into how she works. Some takeaways from her advice:

  • Parents, stop talking so much. Give our kids more space. Instead, put more effort into sympathetic listening.
  • Give our kids some more space. They need to make some mistakes to learn important life lessons.
  • Recognize that different kids handle things differently. Some may need more guidance and involvement than others. Respect their temperaments.

Check out Montreal Families Magazine to learn more.

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30 years later: The consequences of NOT eating a marshmallow

Posted on August 16, 2012 | 2 comments

marshmallowsA little while back, I blogged about the famous Stanford Marshmallow experiment and the astonishing things it has taught us about the value of self-control. A quick description: preschoolers were placed alone in a room with a plate of marshmallows and told they could eat one now, or wait 15 minutes and have two.  (For a more detailed description of the experiment and it’s impact on the participants as they grew up, click here). 

The 30% kids who were able to delay gratification showed higher SAT scores and social competence as high schooler, and handled stress and self-organization better as adults. As a result, the study is frequently cited as an important demonstration of the value of self-control and willpower. This is important, because other studies have shown that self-control is something that can (and clearly should) be taught to young children.

An exciting new wrinkle in this study is additional research published by Tanya Schlam  at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health, who followed up with the former preschoolers, (now in their 30s). As reported by Slate, Schlam and her colleagues discovered that each minute the subjects had been able to wait before devouring the marshmallow accurately predicted a “0.2 point percent decrease in their current body mass index. Schlam told Slate, “Although the effect was not particularly large, the presence of any effect three decades later is noteworthy,” she argues.

“It involves being more strategic,” Schlam wrote to me. “So a child can use will power to delay gratification, but they have a lot of other techniques at their disposal that they can combine with using will power. For example, from studies with this sample, we know that when the marshmallows are hidden by a tray or when the experimenter tells the kids to think about the marshmallows as ‘fluffy white clouds,’ the kids are able to delay much longer.” Kids who picked up the marshmallow and smelled it, on the other hand, soon gobbled it up. Delayed gratification, then, is about “knowing intuitively or being taught techniques that enable your cool system to kick in (which is reflective and rational) rather than the hot system (which is reflexive and impulsive).”

Schlam points out that the best route to self-control is to avoid having to exercise it: to stay away from trays of marshmallows and cookies. But since we live in a world of too much food, it’s a comfort to know that we can teach kids to hold back on their own. Even kids whose reason for delaying gratification is that they want a second marshmallow.

Self-control is about more than weight loss, of course. And weight loss for many is about more than self-control. But nevertheless, this new finding is exciting for the way it connects childhood behaviors with adult traits, and for the emphasis it places on teaching kids self-control.

So how can we teach our kids that kind of willpower? Some suggestions (feel free to add others):

  • Encouraging them to save up for toys or products they want. Or wait until their birthday/ holiday time to get them.
  • Letting even very young children make challenging choices between desired items on their own. (You can have a snack now, but then there is no dessert after dinner. OR You can buy that t-shirt now but then you won’t have enough money for the dress you’ve been saving for. )
  • Letting them experience the real consequences for their behavior: if you don’t do your homework now, you will have to do it after dinner when everyone else is watching TV/ playing outside/ going to bed.
  • Modelling self-control yourself.

 

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